


How Many Ways Does A Heart Break?

by highestkingbambi



Category: The Magicians (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt, F/M, Heartbreak, M/M, Missing Scene, Panic Attacks, Reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-17
Updated: 2018-04-17
Packaged: 2019-04-24 02:38:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14346234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/highestkingbambi/pseuds/highestkingbambi
Summary: Quentin reflects on Alice’s confession aboard the Muntjac as they travel to Castle Blackspire.





	How Many Ways Does A Heart Break?

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by the song Lost on You by Lewis Capaldi.

Quentin sits, frozen on the edge of the bed. Knuckles white from gripping the edge, he listens for the sound of the door. A soft thud to let him know that he is alone. That Alice has left him to grapple with the bombshell she dropped. Bombshells, plural. Trusted to him. Alone, no one to discuss it with until it is over. He tries to swallow the lump building in his throat, to blink back the tears welling in his eyes. 

Reeling, he feels the phantom touch of her kiss on his lips. Soft. Gentle. Painful.

Mostly it’s painful.

A few short months ago he would have given everything to hear her say that she still loves him. 

Quentin didn’t know there were so many ways to break a heart. His own has already broken over Alice. Now it breaks for her. The first girl he had truly loved, and she is broken and desperate. Willing to give up everything she is out of fear for the woman she may become. Objectively, it makes sense. Objectively, he understands why she wants to give everything up and become a completely new person. 

Releasing his fingers from their death grip on the bed, he runs them through his hair. He buries his face in his sweaty palms. The lump in his throat grows. Nothing he does can make it go away. Nothing can give him relief from the psychosomatic reaction that is gradually starting to feel more and more like a panic attack.

Heart racing, he gasps for air. Short bursts of oxygen fill his lungs. It’s not enough. Spots appear before his eyes. Quentin slams them shut. He brings his knees up to his chest, his arms across his knees. He shuffles back to feel the cool wood of the wall behind him. It’s solid, constant and comforting. The Muntjac’s heartwood beats slowly, and he imagines it glowing bright. Each breath lengthens. His heart rate slows.

It’s not a panic attack, but he knows what it is.

Guilt.

Soul crushing guilt over the myriad ways he hurt her. Guilt that he brought her back from being a Niffin when she begged him not to. Guilt that he kept her trapped to the point where it nearly killed them both. Guilt that he dragged her into the Quest to return magic against her wishes, then chastised her when she changed her mind.

Guilt that he doesn’t love her back.

Not in the way she deserves. 

Alice will always be his first love. Wrapped in gauze, painstakingly stitched together, a piece of his heart will always belong to her. Quentin wasn’t lying when he said he would remember for the both of them. You never forget your first love. He will never forget her, what they had. What she meant to him. 

What she means to him.

Quentin feels guilt that his first feeling after Alice broke the news is relief. 

A soft rap on the door to the cabin and Quentin looks up to see long fingers snake around the frame. 

“Q, I thought you might want to see Blackspire before we get up close,” Eliot says, peaking his head through the opening. 

For the second time that day, Quentin feels his heart break. He prays that Eliot doesn’t come any closer. That they don’t say the words that they can’t take back. Decision made, he can’t go back. The promise to the knight is one that he can’t renege. Even if he wants to. Even if following through breaks him.

Quentin hadn’t known there were so many ways to love someone. That you could platonically love a person you were once in love with. That you could be in love with a person you had once only loved as a friend.

“Thanks,” he says, blinking back the tears. “I’ll be with you in a sec.”


End file.
